This is what finally pushed me to start this blog, it was Christmas of 2018…This holiday season was one that started like many have before, running around last-minute trying to figure out how we were going to fit seeing everyone into the few days we had. I’m sure you can relate. I found myself getting lost in the whirlwind that the holidays bring.
Christmas day changed my view on life in only a short amount of time. Christmas Eve was spent with my dad and family. During our time together I found out how truly sick my grandmother was. I knew that she had been moved out of her home and into a senior living facility, I assumed it was because she was starting to forget things and couldn’t fully take care of herself on her own but it had gotten much worse, I soon realized as our conversation went on. Feeling somewhat left out of just knowing how bad it had gotten was internalized as anger but quickly I shifted my thoughts to wanting to see her one last time. Knowing my time was limited I didn’t want to spend it dwelling on anger. The flood of memories from Christmas’s past was all I really could think of for the next 24 hours. After an emotional call to my aunt, who has been my mentor, cheerleader and helped raise me and my brothers along with my grandma, I knew her passing was soon to come. The phone call was filled with a lot of tears and not wanting my grandma to feel alone, realizing now that this was more my own fear. Dementia had taken over and I was told she let people know she was being visited by her mother so, in her mind, she wasn’t alone and that gave me some sense of comfort. I’m a true believer that there is another dimension out there that we have yet to fully understand and ultimately accept so I did truly think that her mother was there, waiting until it was time to walk next to her. Christmas day during our visit we mostly sat in silence as we took in every detail; visions of my childhood raced through my mind in vivid detail. It was one of the biggest moments of self-reflection I have had in my life. Those moments in time that help define who you are, how you are, what you are. It really is amazing what we experience in our lives and how it affects our inner soul and how we project ourselves out into the universe.
Having experienced a fair amount of deaths in my lifetime I will say each one will affect you differently depending on where you are in life, what journey you may be on or if you have reached that ‘shift’ in your life when you start to view things differently. Yes, death is sad but it is also this beautiful release, if that makes any sense. As we sat with my grandma, I really took in what this moment was and that at some point we will all be in this exact crossroad. As someone who is still on the search for her passion or ‘goal’ in life, other than being a mother and wife, it was an inner reflection of what I have held back on or stopped pursuing out of fear. Fear of judgment, ridicule, failure, embarrassment, and simply not being that good at whatever path or passion I feel deep down I need to explore.
As I sat with my grandma during what I knew were some of her last moments and days I was overcome with the “why not?”. Why not try everything once, learn a trade that you’re interested in, go back to school or hell, start college. In the end, we only have ourselves and our family, all of the trivial things that seem to mean so much at the time really do not define who you are deep in your soul and what memories’ you leave behind. I want to leave behind beautiful, loving and supportive memories.
I learned so much more about who my grandma was and the passion she had for life, her love of travel and adventure. I know she would tell each one of us to live your truth, do what makes you happy and find your passion. She was always loving and supportive. So, I realized that in the wake of all that comes with watching someone you love pass on, that I didn’t want to sit in the shadows and be afraid to explore new things, express my thoughts, ideas and passions. There are times in your life that make you ready to change your life and ones that help you create the change in your life. It’s not enough to dream it we must start to live it and believe it.
I found in college that I really did like to write, as it gave me a creative outlet since I suck at drawing and painting (I still give it a go from time to time 😉). I started this blog, not for anyone else but me, my own little passion project that I feel…no, I know, I need at this time in my life. So, I hope you will want to follow me on this journey, wherever it may lead, share your thoughts and dreams, create our own little tribe. Maybe we can help give each other the push we need to explore everything we want without judgment or fear but instead encouragement and support. So here I go, scared shitless but knowing deep down that I need this for my soul. So if you need someone to walk with you on a new journey I’m here for you.
So… let’s go get lost in curiosity, passion and those wild dreams ✌