Anxiety, the never-ending battle.
I gave up on myself…there I finally said it out loud. In the last few months, I have felt this heaviness, this dark cloud engulfing me constantly. After starting on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication, I figured all would begin to be right in my world, and a sense of calm would soon arrive. Well, it was for a few weeks. But if I’m honest, the last few months have sucked, and that’s putting it lightly.
Before, I was someone with high-function anxiety (really, it never goes away) mixed with depression. Something I thought I had overcome in my twenties. Still, as I explore and research, I realize that it never really goes away. With therapy (highly recommend) and medication (if you choose), it can be controlled. Still, it’s always there, lingering in the back shadows.
I thought I Had My Anxiety Managed.
I conditioned myself to be an early riser, practicing yoga and meditation, and then off to handle the daily life stuff. I thought I had it all figured out. Then the go, go, go that I created for myself and the onset of COVID shot back at me with a flurry of unmanageable anxiety. So, I got up the courage to ask for help again, typically therapy sessions are what had helped me in the past, but I knew I probably needed medication.
Now, it has been a long while since I last took medication for my mental health. This go around, it took a bit to find what worked for me. If you want to learn more about this journey, you can find it HERE and HERE. It was great until it wasn’t. A few months in, I lost all motivation, creativity, drive, and excitement. I had given up. Was it me, or was it the medication? I really didn’t explore the why I just ended up living here for way too long. The medication was working, so I just gave up.
I remember one day during one of my meditations; I realized that I wasn’t able to go that deep anymore. The spiritual level that I had worked so hard to get to over the last few months was gone. I was pissed. I felt blocked, unable to open, and that’s when I gave up. I realized now that this is when I let my depression creep back in to pay a visit. God damn it. The yoga stopped, the meditation stopped, the light dimmed slightly, and I have sat here for the last few months.
Anxiety took a lot away.
Creativity has gone; drive has gone (not great when starting a blog). The only thing I had was the replay of the life I wanted in my mind and the anger I had at myself for doing nothing about it. I had stepped back from why I started this journey. The writer’s block fully set in. I found myself doing research writing instead of soul work, not sharing anything that was a real connection on a spiritual level. But that’s why I started this journey, to open up to a world more massive than the materialistic side we so often see.
How I’m Climbing Back out
Now, here we are, four months into the dark abyss, and for whatever reason, I found myself getting up early again. Now, I have been setting my alarm for the last few months hoping someday that I wasn’t going to just roll over and hit the snooze, that I would find the drive once again to get my ass up and live my life on my terms. That day has come, and I didn’t hit the snooze (does a new baby kitten help, maybe). I had my first real meditation session in months, and let me tell you, I cried. I finally felt a partial release of the heaviness. I was able to break the barrier a bit. A lava lamp of light and dark shades danced in my mind, and I was so freaking happy! So, deep at one point, I wondered if I would be able to come back out.
Today I stopped
So, today I stopped giving up on myself. Today I started to believe in myself again. Mental health is often a confusing and frustrating world. The days, weeks, and months may not be easy as we find where our new normal is, but we cannot give up on ourselves because then what is the alternative? Usually, something is far from happiness. If you are someone or you know someone who is dealing with mental health obstacles, don’t give up on yourself or them.
Some day after months of hitting the snooze button on your life, you will get up early and enjoy it again. As hard as it is, we have to learn to get out of our inner dialog and realize that fear is holding us back from our true potential. We are all one profound thought away from spiritual enlightenment. One experience away from seeing what our true potential can be. Don’t give up. As I have said before, feel the feelings but don’t live there. You are much more than your days of despair. This was something that I had forgotten for a bit, and I hope I never do again.
Wishing you love, light and inner peace babes ✌🌈✨💜
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